Monday, January 12, 2009

Corner of Love Ln and Life Dr

Q: I consider myself a fairly good looking guy but a bit shy. I've been having problems meeting women. It seems everywhere I go there is a shortage of them. At my job the majority of people there are men. I go to school at nights and my classes seem to have only a few women. Where can I go to meet more women around here (I'm in Shirley)???



Before I get to your problem I want to talk about work relationships. Don't do them. I can only give advice and it's your choice to follow or not but I can tell you that office relationships are nothing but trouble. Ever hear of the saying "don't crap where you eat"? OK, well, the "crap" part is really something else but we're trying to keep it mature here. Yes, people have met at work and had great relationships and ended up getting married, but that is not the norm. Those examples are the exception. They don't happen often.

Now your problem. I'm gonna tell you something that will be a surprise to you. Your whole "there aren't women anywhere" complaint is just an excuse to what seems obvious to me. Your problem is not meeting women, your problem is that you're shy. The moment I read "but I'm a bit shy" I knew the reasons you gave for not meeting women were just a form of backwards rationalization. There are plenty of women living around here. Everywhere I go I see beautiful women. At the gym they're everywhere. At the shopping center, everywhere you turn. Have you been to Smith Point in the Summer? It's heaven!

But I can tell you right now that if we both went into a bar and the female to male ratio were 4:1 you'd still have a "hard time meeting women" while I'll have one on each arm (and I'm not a supermodel). I suspect that you're more than "a bit shy". Probably "a lot shy" and that's hurting you when it comes to relationships. Think about it, are you shy around guys too? Most likely not. A man who isn't shy around women is going to meet one at an all-boys school (OK, maybe not) because he's not going to miss the opportunity to talk to a woman regardless of the shortage or overage of them.

Now, I've known many women who have found shy guys "cute". But when that shyness starts to get in the way of progression between a man and a woman it becomes a bore and it'll turn a woman off fast.

Don't feel bad though. A lot of men are shy when it comes to women (and that ultimately makes a woman wonder why a certain guy isn't talking to her. There must be something wrong with her!). I think that for men, when it comes to talking to women, they think the possible rejection is a hit to their manhood. It's not. It's just a rejection from a woman who isn't taking the time to see what a great guy you probably are! If a woman rejects you, it's not the end of the world. The sky will not turn gray. Fire and brimstone will not rain down on you.


There are 6 billion people in this world, over half of that 6 billion are women. Think about that for a second. 3 BILLION women in this world. 3,000,000,000. That's A LOT of zeros. So why are you going to sweat it IF, and that's a big if and I'll get to that in a second, a woman rejects you or is rude to you if you approach her?

I hate to hit people with cliches, but here it goes. There are starving children all over the world. A genocide in Rwanda. Three wars in the Middle East. AND YOU'RE AFRAID TO TALK TO WOMEN?!?!?

What's wrong with that picture?

So how do you get rid of the shyness? Well, like I stated above, realize that a woman is just an average person and has her own insecurities (even the gorgeous ones) and it's no big deal if she rejects you. Which brings me to the other reason you're having problems talking to women and how to get rid of it.

Stop being "outcome dependent". What I mean by that is that a lot of times men often think about the outcome of what approaching a woman will be like before they approach her. And more often than not, especially if the guy is shy, his first thought is that she's going to reject him. That's why I kept writing "if" she rejected you. Because guess what? She may not! So why think about whether or not she's going to reject you before you approach her? Don't! Don't let your approach become dependent on the outcome. If you keep doing that, with your current shyness, you won't get anywhere with meeting women.

You're not going to stop being shy overnight. Shyness is something that takes awhile to get rid of. But if you always keep in mind that rejection is not the end of the world and if you stop being outcome dependent, little by little the shyness will go away.

Hope this helps!

Giacomo is a Life Coach who's lived in the area for 15 years. He may be reached for any questions and/or personal one-on-one coaching at